Hello, lovelies. Lori from Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes here. You may remember a game on Tuesday night in which my boys on the Pittsburgh Penguins de-pantsed the Detroit Red Wings. This was all made possible in the third period by Jordan Staal, our jailbait cutie who played the third period of his life with a hat trick and an assist. Here’s a recreation of the night on the town (or “shit-hole” since it’s Detroit) that followed.
Jordan Staal: The man of the night (and yes for the innuendo)
Sidney Crosby: The lost lamb in the Detroit ghetto.
Max Talbot: Keeper of the Fu Manchu.
Marc Andre Fleury: Flexible Frenchie. And yes, his teeth are perfect.
Eric Godard: Sex machine and also my hockey boyfriend. Back the fuck off.
Talbot: STAAAALSY! What a game! We’re getting you drunk, tonight!
Godard: Dude, not just drunk, lets get you arrested again!
Sidney:OMG! We’re all going out!
My boys stumble onto the streets of downtown Detroit lookin’ for a good time. They walk a few blocks, but Sid is scared of the ghetto “Godard, why are all the Detroit girls on street corners wearing ice girl clothes?” and he pushes the group into the first bar they find, a place called Manhole. They walk past some employees (lovely ladies with Adam’s apples, scandalous dresses, and fake, fake boobs) and take a seat.
Sid: Ooh, this is interesting. I’ve never been anywhere like it. Teehehe… our table looks like a penis.
Staal: Haha Sid! Look where you’re sitting! You just got shafted!
Talbot: (Dazed) I’m surrounded by men that smell like cheap perfume… I will never again complain about how fine ladies at Club Diesel won’t kiss Mr. Fu Manchu.
Staal: You gotta count your blessings, man. You don’t want Mr. Fu Manchu to get herpes, do you?
Godard: I need a fucking drink.
Waitress: Heeeyyyy boyyyyyys. You’re all looking strapping and manly today. Can I get you a drink? Margaritas are $5! (leans in) so are the handjobs….
Sid: Ah yes. Can I have crown royal and a glass of water?
Staal: (under breath) Pussy. (to waitress) Uh, yeah, I’ll have vodka and red bull. (Staal strokes the bottle of cough syrup he brought with him)
Talbot: Something expensive and French.
Godard: Beer. As big as they come.
Tranny: That’s how I like them, too. (winks)
Godard dry heaves.
Just as the boys get their drinks, Jordan Staals phone rings. He picks up.
Jared Staal: Hey, I heard you had a big game tonight, player.
Jordan: Damn right. Looks like you’re not Mom’s favorite anymore…
Jared: I wouldn’t be so quick, Jordie. I have a feeling that high-sticking her favorite vase is still fresh in her memory.
Jordan: I swear to god, if you remind her of that I’m so NOT getting you a Christmas present, and last time I checked, I make more then you do, so it was going to be a good one…
Jared: You know what? I don’t even want to fucking hear about Christmas right now.
Jordan: Aw, sore subject? You were going to find out eventually. How the hell was I supposed to know that you still believed? You were fucking sixteen! I though you were just pretending really hard to suck up to Mom.
Jared: We’re not on speaking terms. Besides, where the hell are you? Do I hear Dolly Parton in the background..?
Jordan: Uh…. I’m in the finest Detroit club… and…. uh… there are lots of hot chicks. In fact, I think I’m getting laid tonight.
(hangs up fast)
Jordan: Phew, that was close
Eric Staal phones:
Eric: Hey, bitch. Nice game tonight.
Jordan: Thanks, bro. I do what I can..
Eric: Do I hear Dolly Parton in the background? Where the hell are you?
Jordan: Uh… the best club ever. Chicks love Dolly Parton, dumbass. I think I’m getting two at once tonight.
Eric: Uh, chicks with dicks. You think I’m stupid? Look, just don’t get yourself arrested again. Or photographed doing a dude. Mom’s blood pressure is still coming down from the vase incident. They might put you up for adoption again.
Jordan: Whatever, man. You’re just jealous… and you totally had an assist on the vase incident. Don’t even fuck with me. Eric: Oh, you asked for it.
(Both Staals hang up their phones angrily)
Phone rings again: Jordan’s Mom
Mom: Jordan? Where are you? I just got a very disturbing call from Eric.
Jordan: (under breath) Oh shit. (in phone) Uh, Hi mom. I’m just, you know, with the boys…
Mom: Is that Dolly Parton? I love her!
Jordan: Uh, yes, yes it is…
Mom: Jordan, we need to talk. Are you experimenting right now?
Jordan: What the… No..?
Mom: Maybe your father and I should have talked to you more. You know it’s ok if…
Jordan: Mom, No! Sid dragged us in here… I’m just…
Tranny approaches: Hey big boy…
Jordan (to tranny) fuck off!
Tranny grabs the phone: (with sass) Mmmhmmm. Excuuuuse me, but you’re talking to my sexy boy and we’re going to need some serious alone time. Uhhuh, Buh bye now.
(Tranny hangs up the phone and gives it back to Jordan)
(Jordan buries his head in his hands and sobs)
Talbot: Dude, looks like you’re getting an intervention for Christmas this year.
MAF: Hey, did Chris Osgood just walk in? Is that him at the bar by himself?
Sidney: I think so. Look how sad he is. Isn’t it nice for that lady with broad shoulders and too much make-up to console him? Wow… they’re really comfy. Maybe they’re good friends. Wait… why is he giving her all his money?
MAF: Quick, before he leaves… Bartender! Hi, yeah, I want to buy my...”friend” a drink. Yes, sex on the beach, please. Yes, for the light-up penis straw. As big as they come Make it bitchy.
Talbot: Flower, you genius!
(Bartender delivers a puffy, pink drink to Osgood. The Penguins get to see flashes of his angry constipation as the light-up penis straw blinks. Osgood grabs drink and storms off with tranny.)
(Boys break out in laughter)
Godard, in all of his sexual and physical frustration, has been staring into space through out this entire fiasco. Tranny approaches.
Tranny: Hey, big boy. You look like you could use a little somethin’ somethin’.
(starts stroking back of Godard’s head)
Godard: I mean, I didn’t get to fight tonight… I guess I have some pent up aggression and tension that needs releasing..
Tranny: There’s a special back room… you wanna go? (winks)
(Godard instantly grabs tranny’s dress and punches her in the face. She lays knocked out on the floor, one of her fake boobs rolls to Sideny’s feet. Everyone stops what they’re doing in club Manhole. All other employees look PISSED. They start to approach, no longer making an effort to conceal their voices, fake nails out.)
Godard: I can’t help my gut reactions! We’ve gotta get out of here!
The boys knock the penis table over in the mad rush to get out, and barely escape.
Sid is running crooked into the Detroit night after half a shot and a glass of water: I’m soooo drunk right now!