Monday, December 8, 2008

Awkward....

Here’s the transcript of Sean Avery’s apology phone call to Elisha Cuthbert. First, I sent it to Wrap Around Curl and Jared of London so they could hilariously edit it for those with virgin ears. At the end I put the all-out dirty version. That’s one thing Sean Avery and I can agree on. He may be queen douche of the ice, but boy knows how to swear. Oh, and some helpful background information: Wrap and I are convinced that Sean Avery is gay.  In fact, we would love for him to be. When he bursts out of the closet and marries Anderson Cooper, she called it.


Sean Avery: So, uh, I wanted to say sorry for this little, well, thing, you may have heard about…

Elisha Cuthbert: Sloppy seconds, huh? Want to talk about sloppy seconds? Well Mr. Vogue ice girl, we're each other's sloppy seconds, and I have every reason to believe that when we were together you were messing around with dudes. How's that for sloppy?

A: Uhm, you best not be spreading that around because I don't know what the jello you're talking about.

C: Oh, you want to go there? Fine. I know what happens with you agitators after you step off the ice. You want to get under someone's skin, right? How about their parsnips? You think I haven't heard stories about you taking out your aggressions in Rockem Sockem Robots between periods?

A: You are so full of rainbows...I wouldn't even bake...

C: Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't even bake me a cake. I know. We all know.  Girls have a sense for these things. It's because you'd rather be baking 

A: Lies! I called you to fudging apologize. You were a last-season floozy before I met you! I taught you how to dress, sugarpie!

C: Want to explain the cotton Haynes boxers I found in your equipment bag? Huh, Sean? You know you wouldn't be caught dead in anything but silk designer boxer-briefs!

A: They were Jaromir Jagr's! They fell in there by accident! Who am I to talk back to a team captain?

C: And what about the sunglasses you wore to your little meeting with Gary Bettman? You look like Victoria Beckham's main gay! And six games, baby! Didn't you bake him a cake hard enough?

A: You flaming peach cobbler! Frogging apologizing! You go give Dion Phaneuf your infested Georgia O'Keefe! I'm hanging the ponies up!

C: I'll see you on the cover of People magazine! Soon enough they'll buy you out and you'll join the ranks of Lance Bass and Clay Aiken. Just give it time!

(Both hang up the phone angrily.)


Hide the children! It's the dirrrty version!


Sean Avery: So, uh, I wanted to say sorry for this little, well, thing, you may have heard about…

Elisha Cuthbert: Sloppy seconds, huh? Want to talk about sloppy seconds? Well Mr. Vogue whore, we’re eachother’s sloppy seconds, and I have every reason to believe that when we were together you were messing around with dudes. How’s that for sloppy?

A: Uhm, you best not be spreading that around because I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

C: Oh, you want to go there? Fine. I know what happens with you agitators after you step off the ice. You want to get under someone’s skin, right? How about their pants? You think I haven’t heard stories about you taking out your aggressions in steamy locker room showers between periods?

A: You are so full of shit! I wouldn’t even cum in your...

C: Yeah, yeah, you wouldn’t even cum in my face. I know. We all know.  Girls have a sense for these things. It’s because you’d rather be cuming up some dude’s…

A: Lies! I called you to fucking apologize. You were a last-season tramp before I met you! I taught you how to dress, ho!

C: Want to explain the cotton Haynes boxers I found in your equipment bag? Huh, Sean? You know you wouldn’t be caught dead in anything but silk designer boxer-briefs!

A: They were Jaromir Jager’s! They fell in there by accident! Who am I to talk back to a team captain?

C: And what about the sunglasses you wore to your little meeting with Gary Bettman? You look like Victoria Bekham’s main gay! And six games, baby! Didn’t you beat him off hard enough?

A: You fucking cunt! Fuck apologizing! You go give Dion Phaneuf your infested cooch! I’m hanging the fuck up!

C: I’ll see you on the cover of People magazine! Soon enough they’ll buy you out and you’ll join the ranks of Lance Bass and Clay Akin. Just give it time!

 

(Both hang up the phone angrily.)

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