Here’s a detailed account of what I’m sure transpired after Sidney Crosby’s hat trick against the Jersey Devils. And now that my top three centers have all had hat tricks, this is the last one of these that you’re going to see for quite a while. I'm done, I promise. I just had to post the sequel. Why no Malkin story? I’ll write him a hat trick story the day he decides to learn English. Yeah, I’m pulling the bitch card on that one.
Sidney Crosby: Man of the night, knocked three goals home with that nice, straight sitck of his.
Jordan Staal: Is currently in a bet with Godard to see who can get Sid to say “fuck” in an interview.
Eric Godard: Gets to be in everything I write because of hockeyboyfriend privileges.
Max Talbot: Enjoys listening to his own French accent. Considers it part of his “chick bait”
Talbot: (to Sid) Heyyyy nice job tonight!
Staal: Yeah, looks like you just got a Jordan Staal!
Sid: Uh, you mean hat trick? Anyway, it looks like we’re in for a night on the town!
Godard: Oh shit… please no trannys…
Sid: no, I have something even better then trannys. There’s something special going on tonight and I juuuust happen to have four tickets…
Godard: Boxing championship!
Staal: New strip club opening night!
Talbot Glow in the dark bowling!
Lori: OMG The symphony! (oops, sorry, I’m so not supposed to be in this)
Sid: No, sillies, even better! Cirque du Soleil! ONE NIGHT ONLY!!
Godard: Aawwwhh, man, seriously?!
Sid: Common, you guys! It’s the fine arts! Have some class! Talbot, you like French things, right? French wine, French kisses for Fu Manchu caught on camera and posted on the internet?
Talbot: Hey, I mean…
Sid: Uhmmm… you have three career goals. I had just had three in one night. We’re fucking going.
Staal: Teehee, you just said “fuck”
(At Cirque du Soleil)
Sid: Am I great or what? Front row! You know, I’m good at smoozing the old ladies at the box office. The over thirty crowd loves me. It’s only a little creepy…
(The lights dim, ethereal music begins (Philip Glass, anyone?) and clowns in white leotards begin to mime across the stage)
Godard: (gets up) That’s it… there has to be a bar.
Staal (jumps out of seat) I’m coming!
Sid: Wait! I want cotton candy. One of each color. Wow, those clowns are so supple...
Staal: No fucking way. There’s not enough liquor in the world to get me through this and that’s where I’m spending my money.
Godard: What am I? Your fucking date?
Sid: Hey, it’s my big night!
Godard: Big deal, you pull hat tricks out of your ass.
Staal FEMALE CONTORTIONISTS!!!!!!!!
(All the boys stop what they’re doing and stare in awe.)
(Contortionists exit stage)
Staal: New mission! (starts running towards stage door)
Godard: Hey! Wait for me!
Talbot: Omg, we can make them our ice girls! Other teams won’t know what hit them!
Sid: Oooh, I want one….
Flash forward: Mario Lemieux’s house, next morning. Lemieux walks by Sidney’s room, hears noises, stops to listen.
Lemieux opens door, is taken aback, and promptly shuts it. While walking away, he mutters under his breath, “Woah. Now that’s impressive…”