Hey, look! it’s new Pittsburgh Penguins coach Bylsma talking to the media, being his average Joe self, saying things like “‘till” and “real quick” and aboot while he verbal diarrheas out of that cute little mouth of his about things like our brandie new aggressive north/south system, all that new time in our offensive zone, his love for Kris Letang, little clichés about Sidney Crosby figuratively “answering the phone” and how we still have one more road ga…
Wait… I must have been in a trance. Where’d he go?
BAM! It’s game time, bitches! And Dan Yves St. Laurent Bylsma doesn’t fuck around. My fashionista hockey coach is going to kick your ass with his neatly shined patent leather shoes that perfectly match his belt, and his supple squad of burley boys, one line at a time.
Dan Chanel Bylsma is going to deflate your offense in his purple power suit with the shiny flair accents on his matching (but not too matchy-matchy) quirky purple patterned tie and his grey tweed jacket.
And you’d better believe that Dan Marc Jacobs Bylsma is going to going to hand some ass whooping it to the referee, because that holding call was the most bullshit thing he’s ever seen since the return of the poncho in like 2004, and by the way, black and white vertical stripes are so last season, you got that, honey?
Dan Dolce and Gabbana Bylsma with his deep, crimson tie and the trendy steel framed glasses is going to teach that kid some goddamn manners about chewing with his mouth open, and he’s going to do it with a snap of the fingers and a flick of the hips, because when you’re anywhere near Dan Prada Bylsma’s Pittsburgh Penguins bench, you bring the fucking class.
Since Dan Michael Kors Bylsma took over as the Pittsburgh Penguin’s head coach, he has recorded a 7-1-1 record. Maybe the Penguins just needed a new face… or a new wardrobe.
Look out, Sean Avery, look out.